Vampire vs. Capcom? We’re in.
The premise of the Vampire: The Masquerade series is that you’re a vampire in a dark world in which millennia-old clans fight for power while hiding their true nature from humanity.
The premise of the Vampire: The Masquerade IP is that you’re a video game developer in a sad world in which decades-old companies fight for money while hiding their true ability to finish a product from humanity.
True, Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines is one of the best roleplaying games ever made. Which is honestly something easy anyone can just say about basically any RPG that came out over fifteen years ago. I could say Ultima 9: Ascension is a classic and none of you would give a shit or say otherwise. It’s not like you’re loading it up on your gaming PC to check my work.
But Bloodlines is great (you won’t check) – as are many of the current Vampire: The Masquerade visual novels available (which you should check). Probably because, well, Vampire: The Masquerade works best as a storytelling IP. To be fair, the tabletop game can create some great combat and the powers you gain over time are pretty cool. But if you’re playing a gothy Toreador who wants to sip blood in a wine glass while looking out over a city from a floor-to-ceiling-window, you’re not always in it for the min-maxing.
And while those aforementioned visual novels are often amazing, an actually-enjoyable big-budget Vampire: The Masquerade experience has just not panned out in recent years. That’s why Paradox Interactive created the ‘Unbound’ program, which lets fans make their own Vampire: The Masquerade games with the most unbound of extreme boundaries. They can make the games, but can’t use the official IP name in the title. The setting has to be modern. And, if you’re able to jump through a thousand loopholes, you’re even allowed to make a tiny bit of money off it. Sort of.
Confusing rules aside, the ability of fans to make their own Vampire: The Masquerade games is exciting. That’s why we’ve come up with our own list of five fanged games we’d like to see:
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em by beating them. In this game, the most edgy characters in the darkest setting would go up against the best fighters in the world within one company’s IP portfolio.
You may be thinking: Doesn’t this already exist in the form of the hugely popular Darkstalkers series and by extension, already-existing Capcom ‘versus’ games? Yes. Exactly. We all already agree this is a really good idea whose time has come. It may have come in the ‘90s, but what is this industry if not a haven for ripping off other ideas and making a profit off them? It worked for Notch; it can work for us.
Finally, a dance game with your favorite songs about vampires like The Monster Mash and Dracula’s Wedding by OutKast. And others, I’m sure. There’s got to be at least five to six non-metaphorical songs about vampires. Also probably some classical music so you can imagine a really sad, ancient immortal being playing on a piano because they’ve watched so many of their loves grow old and die and yet, the greatest curse of all, is that they can’t stop loving anyway. Oh, woe is them!
The only way to put off their delicious suffering is through dance. Or a music controller. Whatever helps you give in to the hatred and sorrow.
Since this is a vampire thing, it should either be on a rotting grand piano controller or using a fiddle, which has a light sensor that’s sort of like the one in Boktai. Play in the moonlight and you’ll hear a beauty derived from centuries of loss. Play in the sunlight and your character dies a lot.
One of the vampire clans is the Malkavians. They’re a little strange, but that’s not the point. The point is that their name lines up with a pre-existing genre.
I can’t do all the work myself.
Maybe they’re exploring a castle. No! Too easy! Already a vampire thing. Hmm. Oh, wait. What about a Metroidvania-type spooky city? But not like Hollow Knight. But still a vampire thing? This is a crowded genre, so maybe do some research before taking it on.
At the very least, there’s probably no Metroidvania about a vampire inside a mall during one weird night in 1987. Right? Please let that not already be a Metroidvania. There’s so few places yet to have doors with different colors needing different items to open them.
You knew there was going to be a kart racer on here.
Yes, this would be part of the Cooking Mama series. Yes, it would be rated M for Mature. Yes, I’d find out that there’s probably already some fucked up perv game on Steam that’s basically this but way worse than I’d ever have imagined. If you own such a game, sound off online!
You could be a chef who returns to their kitchen after becoming a vampire. All the food around you is tasteless and even trying to swallow brings up a mass of vomit and blood. Your body can’t sustain itself on spaghetti or waffles or miso soup, and that’s what you’ve trained your whole life to make.
Now, you must learn the ways of cooking for the undead. Which basically just means sucking blood. Or draining it if you get someone up on a meathook. But better get wiggling living-blood-bag minigame right or they might escape and call the hunters!
I hate that this sounds better the more I describe it.
Mike Drucker is a television writer and standup comedian. He’s currently co-head writer and co-executive producer of Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, and has written for shows including The Tonight Show, Adam Ruins Everything, and Mystery Science Theater 3000. Mike’s writing has also appeared in video games for Sony and Nintendo. If you read this far, thank you.
